Five Things
by violet-phoenix-rose
Summary: The thing that keeps coming up is all the stuff I should have done but never got around to doing." Tonks reflects on her life. Very sad. R&R.


Disclaimer: I own nothing other than most of the plot and the regrets.

A/N: For the HP Fanfic challenges forum's **5 Things** challenge.

Where am I? More importantly, WHAT am I? I know I'm not alive – I saw the green light and everything. So I guess I'm dead. But still, this place isn't quite how I pictured the afterlife. Everything's white, and I'm alone.

Something tells me that I'm here to reflect on my life. Not like there's much to reflect on or anything. I'm 25 and the list of my accomplishments is really rather short – survived school, became an Auror, fell in love. Nothing impressive, that's for sure.

The thing that keeps coming up is all the stuff I should have done but never got around to doing. There's so much of that. I admit that I could have found time to tell at least some of my relatives exactly what I think of them, and I could learned to control my looks if I'd made time for it.

Then there are the things where not doing them goes on the list of my biggest mistakes, period. Despite knowing I needed to do it, I never wrote a will. And, even though I probably ought to have done so, I never told some of my friends exactly how much they mattered to me. You'd think I would've done that before the battle, but no. I've always been too absent-minded for my own good, especially in situations like that. It figures that I'd spend my last hour of life not thinking about the people I cared about, other than worrying about them.

And there's my biggest regret, which is really odd if you think about it. I never let anyone call me by my full first name, ever. Even though I meant to, I never did it. It's odd how big that seems right now.

Regret One – I never told my relatives what I think of them

There have been decent people in my family, or so I've heard. Other than my mother and one of my cousins, I've never met them. No, all I really saw was a pack of people who would do absolutely anything to end up at the top of the social and political ladders.

I didn't know them well, so maybe there's something I missed along the way. Maybe one of them was good but they hid it in order to save face. That's the real Black family legacy, if you ask me – hiding your faults to appear stronger. No wonder everyone decent was torched off of the family tree.

My aunts are the ones a lot of my anger gravitates towards. It's hard to believe that my mother grew up in the same house as they did. The difference, she always told me, was that she chose to leave. Her older sister didn't want to take a chance, she'd say, and her younger sister was too scared. Maybe Aunt Narcissa will turn around someday. She's got a heart, that's for sure, even though it manifests itself in being insanely protective of her son.

My other aunt, whose name I'm not about to mention because she is, after all, the person who killed me, is another story. I recall vividly a time when I was around ten that one of my parents said that it'd be a snow day in hell before she turned around. That makes a lot of sense now. She's why I'm here, in this white void, contemplating my life.

If I'd known her, it might have been different. By the time I was old enough to remember things, no one knew where she was, and by the time I was off at school, she was locked up. When that all changed, two years ago, I didn't know what to think. On the one hand, she's family. On the other, she's completely evil.

I really should have sent one of them an owl.

Regret Two – I never learned to control my looks quite as much as I meant to

Yeah, I know that I'm most recognizable with pink hair and weird clothes. That's the person I wanted to be. All right, there were times I wanted to be someone else, and usually I did it. But then there were the times I didn't take the chance and I should have.

Lots of this happened at school. I was more insecure than your typical teenager, and I let my mood affect my looks. It was perfectly normal for me to enter a class looking one way and leave it looking like a completely different person. My friends liked it, my teachers were used to it, and everyone else tolerated it.

One time in particular, I lost control badly. I'd really botched up a Potions assignment, and after class I decided to hide. Big mistake. I was so mad about accidently turning my friend Zara's ears into radishes that I accidently turned my skin ice blue. It was probably for the better that this took place in the middle of May, but the nurse still freaked out.

And then there were the times I meant to change but I couldn't. Two years ago, after the battle, stands out as the worst of those times. I looked so depressed and so ordinary for most of that summer. I should have had better control, I know I should have, but of course I didn't. Lots of people were worried about me then, if I remember right. It was almost the big event of the summer, which might be an indication of exactly how boring it was.

I really should have been working on controlling myself instead of hanging out with Zara on my time off from work.

Regret Three – I never wrote a will

Of all my regrets, this is the thing where not doing it was completely stupid. Regretting that mistake however is perfectly reasonable. There is no one left who is the right age and my blood relative that could inherit everything. So I'm willing to bet that my friends will divide everything up without thinking about what I would have liked each of them to have.

I wouldn't be surprised if someone got the idea of sending all my unwanted possessions up in smoke and dumping the ashes someplace they thought was special to me. It's pretty common for normal people, but the thing is that I don't know anyone like that. So maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't.

It's weird, but I almost wish I could watch my funeral. I'd love to know what people think about me now that I'm not with them. At the very least, it'd probably be a good laugh. More likely, people will cry.

I just wonder about Teddy. What will people tell him about me when he's older, when he asks questions? Hopefully they'll leave out how I'm unable to walk past an umbrella stand without tripping on it, even if I'm on the other side of the hallway. No one needs to know stuff like that if they haven't seen me do it.

I hope someone with good judgment takes over the post-funeral who-gets-what affair.

Regret Four – I never told my friends how much they meant to me

I admit it – I never really spent time with people around my age. Nearly every person who has ever mattered to me in any way is at least five years older or younger than me. I don't know why this is. Maybe it's because I've always been different, and I've never met another different person near my age. And no, members of the Weasley family don't count here.

One of the key people I never really talked to is Luna. If I'd gotten to know her as much as I should have, she'd probably be like the little sister I never had. She's odd in her own crazy way, and I like it. If I'd gotten the chance to tell her that I've been there too, who knows what would happen with her.

There are other people too, but thinking of them makes me sad. Right now, I'm miserable enough, thank you very much. I'm alone in this white void, with no one to talk to. All I can do is contemplate the disaster that my life was.

Regret Five – I never let anyone call me by my full first name

This might be the weirdest thing I regret. There's a reason to regret the other things, but this? I think I might be going crazy.

As far back as I can remember, I've always gone by my last name. Before I went off to school, it was easier to pronounce. Then, at school, everyone went by their last name anyways, except for when they were with their friends.

When I was sixteen or seventeen, I decided that I would only let a special person call me by my first name. Other people could try all they liked, but I quickly developed a habit of stopping them before they got to the end of it. I tolerated it when it involved work, but otherwise I cleared up the situation.

Then the person came along that I wanted to spend my life with. I still didn't let him. For me, it was an I-need-to-know-you-really-care thing. Then the wedding happened, and I still said no.

Now I'm here in this void, acting really odd. If someone uses my full name, every last part of it, at my funeral, I'll be fine with it. It's time for every little thing about me to come out. Too bad I can't watch it.

So yeah, I regret a lot of things I never got to do. But if I could relive my life, I don't think I'd do it.


End file.
